My Story...

Welcome to my blog!

I want to begin by letting you know my story.  A way of understanding what I've been through and my hopes for the near future.  The purpose of me starting this blog is to document my life as a mom.  However, I'm not a mother yet.  I want to be able to share my journey with you from the start.

Alright, lets get started.

I'm on a journey of becoming a mother.  Although I'm nor purposely trying to conceive (TTC), I'm not stopping the process either.  With no birth control or contraceptives, it's my journey of luck and chance.  I don't think the people in my life truly realize how much I struggle with this.  At 16 years old, I took a parenting class in High School with a bunch of my friends.  Although I knew I didn't want to be a teen mom, I knew I definitely wanted kids someday. Not right after High School but not too far after either.  I somehow always feared it wouldn't be easy for me. Somehow, it was true.

In my last year of High School, I had a few friends become pregnant.  I was surprised yet relieved it wouldn't be me.  When they went for ultrasounds for their baby, I had the misfortune of having to go for an ultrasound too.  Mine however wasn't for a baby, it was for my period.  Throughout High School, I was having a hard time with my period. I would start missing my period for a month, then have it, then miss two months of it, then get it.. then one day I realized I haven't had my period in over six months!!  Now, I liked the fact I wasn't getting them since I started having them in grade 5, but I knew I wanted kids someday and had to do whatever I can to make it a possibility. Not having a period doesn't help that matter.

While I was studying for my final exams, I was also making a few trips to the hospital talking to a Gynecologist to see what the problem was.  When I went for my ultrasound, I got to tell you, it was one of the worse experiences for me.  Having to lie down, have cold jelly stuff on your belly and looking at a screen knowing there is no baby is heartbreaking in a sense.  I shouldn't have to be 18 years old and in that room.  Now don't get me wrong, I know there are ultrasounds for many different medical reasons, but I was in there specifically for that subject, so I can make it a reality for years to come.  Alright, so I didn't even get results for all that but they put me on a birth control pill to make my period regular.  I did the three month thing.  Once I had to have a refill, I didn't go.  To be honest, I didn't want to go back to the after hours walk in clinic for it.  I also wanted to see if my period just needed a boost and that I'd be fine and of course, I didn't want to screw up the chances of getting pregnant..did I mention I was single and not seeing anyone? haha Can't get pregnant by yourself.  After all that, I did get regular periods.  6 years later, they're still somewhat regular. I miss a few now and then depending mostly on how stressed I am..might show up late to the party for that month or two but it eventually gets here.

Ok, so in the past six years, I cannot even tell you the amount of people I know that have had kids or are pregnant at the moment.  What can I say,  although I'm genuinely happy for them to get such a blessing, I'm bitter.  Since I've been with my boyfriend (since June 10, 2008) I've had a few pregnancy false alarms. Once when we were only dating for 3 months.  That was a happy false alarm though.  Way too early in a relationship for that. ( missed period and weird symptoms had me going there).  About a year after that, I missed my period and also I huge list of pregnancy symptoms.  I took like four pregnancy tests and they were all negative.  I thought maybe the testing was too early (denial).  Around the same time, my closest friend at the time got pregnant.  She went to the hospital with me and I tested there.. still a negative so I knew  I wasn't. While I was hoping to be pregnant, she was the one with the good news.  I was super excited for her, she was about to get married too after all so it was perfect for her.  This time, I actually told my boyfriend about the false alarm.

A few short months after she had her daughter, I noticed more and more girls I knew were getting pregnant and having babies.. It was like a baby boom that I wasn't a part of.   I began to get really bitter and jealous towards every pregnant girl.  It didn't matter if I knew them or not.  To tell you the truth, I'm still like that to this day.  Every time I think it could be a possibility, it's like 10 girls announces their pregnancy and I get a big fat no! I started to think it was like some sort of cruel joke that God was playing on me.   Every day is a struggle for me to deal with .

As I write this today, some of my High School friends now have either one to three kids by now. I don't have any.  To tell you the truth, halfway through the year I knew that even if I got pregnant, I still wouldn't have a child by the time I'm 25 years old.  Turning 25 is not a problem to me..it's not being a mom till at least 25 years old that's a hard pill for me to swallow.  I always wanted to be a young enough mom.

So to everyone of you who are finally reading this, you now understand why I didn't show up to your baby showers, didn't send you gifts, didn't participate in simple things surrounding this time of your life.  It's me. I'm bitter and jealous of you and I'm not afraid to say it because it's true.  I'm truly sorry for this and hopefully, when I finally get the child I've been so impatiently waiting for, you will see the joy I've been longing for for far too long.  When that happens, I'll be glad to stop hearing from everyone "You'll be such a good mom one day" and be glad to hear " You're such a good mom".  Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.  I look forward  to sharing with you my pregnancy and child in the hopefully near future.   Until then,  I'll share with you my plans anyway.  I can still dream right?!

Sarah